Sometimes I feel so darn stupid. I have this knack for cracking things up and losing the trust i have painstakingly gained from people. Sigh. I AM trying to get rid of this very careless self of mine, always overlooking things. Anyways. I've learnt something very important in school. Intrapersonal skills- that's what they're teaching me. I think i need to be more independant. Do things alone sometimes. Not stuff like going online or reading stories so on and forth. But shopping alone, getting to know myself more. Doing that i realized that there're so many things i don't like about myself, down right hate actually.

I hate being wishy washy.

I hate being selfish.

I hate being self conscious. (Insecure sounds so wrong ;p)

I hate being by myself.

Blahblahblah. To the last important point.

I hate hating being by myself.

I wished i was more a stronger perosn.

Sometimes i feel sorry for myself, can't help it. It sucks when you know you did something wrong and feel so bad about it by yet feel so cowardly as to not approach the problem.

I hate being a coward.

I do feel alone, but I wish being alone didn't feel so, feel so alone. I wish I were as strong as the heroines in stories, where they're never afraid of facing things by them selves, or possessed the courage to. Those girls, no women, in the books are brave, strong, beautiful, most of all, their HEARTS and SOULS are beautiful. So alive, unfearing. It scares me that i'm not like that.

Alone.

Alone not physically but up in my head. I can work in a room physically alone. When my mind's so filled with things to memorise and things to take in, i have no space for secondary thoughts. Like that, I'm not alone. I'm with information. Then after, I wonder if that is how intra-personal skills work- obsessing your mind with books and words that the physical doesn't count no more.

Confident.

People think that i am. Really if you ask me, i'm not at all. I like to surround myself with people, books, shows, information to make me feel alive. When I'm walking alone, not physically, i get scared. Shows what a idiot i am. Alot of my secondary good friends have moved on ahead. Its called 'changes'; I'm sure you (the readers) are familiar with it but i'm just reassuring myself. They have new cliques, so have I, but they seem happier.

Haha, this is more than 'just an update'.

This look into my head is waay too uncomfortable for me. But I wanna type it out, getting this OUT of my system and finally put it to the rest. I know the problem will still persist, but at least I'm a step away into making it not persist.

I guess i have to work harder- To either learn to be alone or, to tied my friends to me.

I'm sure you won't appreciate the second option much. ;)